Michael Walker Poetry

i'm not entirely sure why, but tonight i had this rush of returning thought, memories, and emotions about what i did this summer. i really think it's taken at least this long to settle inside me that i was across the ocean this summer, doing something i was entirely uncomfortable with, with people i didn't even know or care to get to know. i know it sounds harsh, but this is how i felt. this does not mean, or excuse the fact that i did make some very good friends in asia. both american and native to the particular country i might have been in at the time. in fact i'll cherish those friendships forever.
i realized now, and the more i think about it the more i see how vocal i was in stating my discontent with the situation, but nonetheless i realize how truly unhappy i was with myself more than anything.
i don't know exactly why. i was fighting with myself inside. doubting my faith, doubting my self, doubting my morals, my beliefs, my ability as a human being to survive. i was missing my friends, my girlfriend, my family, even my crazy little dog everything about that dusty little town in north texas, i missed. i longed for.
i wanted to be sure of myself, but instead i was nothing but another small thing being rushed around, always thirsty under the towers of buildings and the dirty hot, humid air in china. i wanted to experience the comfort of familiarity, but instead i spent everynight in a bed that felt soaking wet in the phillipines. i wanted the peace of tranquil texas landscapes, but instead i got the hustle of thailand and the restless soul inside that kept me awake all night.
i wanted to come home. i didn't want to be challenged. as much as i talk big and think that i actually give a shit about the world and the state its in, i really am just as scared as a child leaving his parents for kindergarten. i don't want to leave the nurturing. i didn't want to leave the safety. in fact i hated it. i was sick. both from the disgusting food, and from the first ever feeling of loneliness. i felt alone, God-less, faith-less, scared and confused.
it was such a hard thing to express to anyone, to make them understand, and i really didn't want anyone to understand to be honest. i wanted to wallow in the experience. i wanted the hurt in a strange way. i didn't want to have to go through it, but it brought its own level of comfort which was strange to come out of.
it's strange that i thought these things tonight, though i didnt even sum up all that i did.
lets just say that when i came home i felt very very strange. much different than when i left.
i might have actually grown up a little.